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LGBT lives

LGBT lives

LGBT Lives

The first step for Cathy and Jen in the adoption process was to meet with their appointed social worker.  They had an emotional connection straight away and they soon realised that they had chosen the right agency for them.  Their social worker was a female Muslim who had a mutual understanding of what it’s like to be considered different in today’s society.  For Cathy and Jen, the most important aspect was the trust they now had. Furthermore, they new that their social worker had their best interests at heart.

The next six months were spent meeting with their social worker and filling out a 30 page booklet.  This was designed to cover every aspect of their lives, personality, experiences and attitudes.  “It was to find out the type of person you are, and the type of relationships you have had” says Cathy.  There was a lot of soul searching, and self discovery involved, ensuring they were fully prepared for what they were about to take on.  Cathy and Jen had to complete a list of problems that the child might have and state whether they thought they could cope with that type of child.

Cathy and Jen also had to prepare themselves for the fact that they might not know the problems a child has, until after they had adopted them.  During this time, they also had to prepare their home for a child, making it a safe and secure environment. Cathy and Jen also had to demonstrate the support network they had with their friends and because they were a lesbian couple, how the child they adopted would still receive a male role model.  “We have a wide range of friends, both straight and gay. We have as many male friends as we do female, so the child would have male role models amongst our friends, which we feel is also vital” says Cathy. An adoption panel then accepted them. The panel recommended what age range would suit Cathy and Jen best, along with recommendations for the types of children that would be suitable for them.  However, the journey was not over yet. There  was a difficult time still ahead of them.

During the coming weeks, Cathy and Jen would receive leaflets through the post, with pictures of different children that might be suitable for them; all looking for a home.  “We would weep at some of the photos and the descriptions of these children. It was very sad to see how many children need a family” says Cathy. 

Two or three times Cathy and Jen were picked for a child, along with two or three other parents.  It was a heart breaking time being told that they were not accepted and their thoughts turned to whether this was the right decision.  On one occasion, Cathy tells us that the Grandparent of a child refused to have them adopt because they were gay.  “Apparently, it was because their religion made it inappropriate to have Gay parents” Cathy said. Luckily for Cathy and Jen, their dreams came true when they were given a leaflet of two young children who were related. Their social worker recommended Cathy and Jen for these children.  The children’s social workers came to meet Cathy and Jen and also to inspect their home.

Cathy and Jen were accepted as the right choice for the children. After several months, came the time for them to meet the children.  The first meeting took place at the foster carer’s home. It's far from being as luxurious as the posh aberdeen hotels or restaurants but it's necessary to do it on a more private place. This was so as to not disturb the children.  Over the next ten days, they gradually spent more and more time with the children.  Cathy and Jen created a book called 'Our Family', with pictures of their home, local playground, pets, and bedrooms, so as to introduce this idea gradually to the children.  Cathy and Jen also spent a lot of time with the children’s foster carer.  “We learned about their food likesl and dislikes, bed times, bathing etc. This was so that there would be no big changes for the children” Cathy informed us.

After slowly being introduced to Cathy and Jen’s home, finally the children were allowed to move in.  At first, the older of the two children was unsettled and scared, often throwing tantrums.  However, with love, attention and the regular support of the social workers, both children began to settle.  “It took around 6 months but eventually, we knew we were doing the right thing” says Cathy.

As for school, the children settled straight away, “Other children were accepting and quite fascinated by the children having two mothers”, Cathy tells me.  One thing said to the children was "your two mums can’t be married". This probably originated from one of the parents.  However, there was no exclusion and both children were fully included at school.

At school, there was another gay female couple with a child two years older. The teachers had supported them through the transition as well.  The teachers included the new 'types' of family in their classes.  Whilst traditional school books refer to one mum, one dad and two kids, the teachers included single parent families and same sex couples as well.  “On mother’s day, the teacher ensured that we received two mothers’ day cards from them both, which was nice”, Cathy says.

Whilst the other children at school are accepting, Cathy is unsure about all the parents.  “I don’t know if they have a problem or not. Some may avoid us but it's not a big issue”.  Jen attends mums nights out and Cathy has a night out with the dads.  Both Cathy and Jen bond well with other parents. 

The only confusion that their children seem to have faced is the stereotypes that are instilled in society. Those of the Dad looking after the car and the Mum doing all the cleaning. This, especially since they are the roles that the parents of their friends play.  However, with the support of another lesbian couple who have adopted, this was quickly overcome. “All children are bullied or teased for a variety of reasons, such as,  wearing glasses, being overweight etc”, Cathy says. We just furnish them with confidence and love and they know that they can tell us about any problems they have”.  

Just over a year after adopting, Cathy and Jen decided on a Civil Partnership.  It was something that they had never wanted before, as they were happy as they were.  However, they decided that this was something they should do, so their children would see them as a proper couple. It also provides them with the legal security.

There was no big wedding and initially the children were not involved, just a few close friends. Also, three days before the ceremony, they decided to get matching rings.  For them, it was all about signing the piece of paper and becoming like any other family. Without the adoption, it is probably something they would not have done.

Nine months later, Cathy and Jen finally became legal parents of their children.  Since then, they have also baptised their children, had a large joint celebration for their civil partnership, legal adoption and christening.  It was a way of celebrating their journey of becoming a loving family.

Today, the children are settled, confident and happy.  The questions surrounding having two mothers have died down.  With a positive outlook to the future, both Cathy and Jen are aware that high school might prompt more questions and challenges.  However, the other lesbian couple already have their child at high school and they know there is enough support to help them deal with what may lie ahead.

As for those interested in adoption, Cathy says “If anyone is thinking of adopting, make sure to research agencies and be happy with your social worker.  It’s hard finding the child for you. However, just stick with because it is, most definitely, worth while in the end”. As for those against gay adoption, Cathy says “There are more children out there than there are parents that are willing to adopt.  Gay couples make just as good parents as anyone else and are most certainly not second best”.
 
One thing is for sure, Cathy and Jen bring a loving, caring, committed, safe and secure environment to their children.  They face the same trials and tribulations as any other family but have the support and love of their friends and family.  Regardless of what difficulties lie ahead, they will get through these together as a family.  At the end of the day, they have given two children a better life than the one they started with. They have provided them with a family that loves them.

Real names have been changed to protect the identity of individuals.

Adoption figures obtained from:
http://www.adoptionuk.org

Published: 1-Jan-2008: (93)

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