Gay Dating Expert

Dating and Relationship Advice

Gay Dating Expert, is run by the Dating Coaches, Jonathan Welford & Rob Hardy from LifeWith, giving sensible, practical advice in the minefield of dating and relationships.

Email any questions through to

Been Conned

Dear GDE

I’ve been very stupid. I got involved with chatting a guy on line from overseas. I developed an on-line friendship with him and went and visited him. We had an amazing four days together, I revisited a once more, met a few of his friends and for me there were fireworks sexually and emotionally. I completely fell for him. He wanted to visit me, but due to visa restrictions he needed to show he had enough funds in his bank to get a visa, so I transferred the funds over to him. I’ve not heard from his since the money arrived in his bank account. He’s deleted his profile, his friends have not responded to calls and last week I discovered I’ve contracted an STD, it’s treatable but I have only slept with him in the last two years so it must be from him.

I’ve even sent letters, but two months have passed since he got the money. I spoke with his landlord who speaks very little English spoke to me and said he had left leaving lots of debts and unpaid rent. The money was all my savings. I feel so stupid. Have I been conned?

Lou G

Lou

I am sorry to say it does seem to be the case. Contact your embassy in the country he was in, and they may be able to advise you on what measures you could take with the countries authorities. Also speak with your bank to see if they can retract the money from the foreign bank account, however as such a long time has elapsed it could be a long shot, but worth discussing.

If you have a relationship or dating question contact us by emailing hello@GayDatingExpert.co.uk

Published on - Tue, 21 May 2013

Badly Behaving Boyfriend

Dear GDE

I’ve been seeing a guy for many years, he’s really nice and when we get together alone it’s lovely. However he’s rude around my friends, he constantly plays with his mobile phone, blanks the conversation he doesn’t like or agree with and is generally causes problems. He has his own friends that he’s the life and soul of the party with. Why can’t he be engaging or at least polite around my friends? It’s taking me to breaking point, we live separately, which is a choice of both of ours, so breaking up wouldn’t be particularly challenging. To be honest I’ve tried talking to him but he just pulls the mobile phone trick and blanks my conversation.

Declan L

Declan

I can completely relate to your situation, I went out with a guy like that, and in the end I woke up one morning and smelt the coffee and decided I’d had enough and broke up with him. However that was me and my situation, everyones is different. I would suggest try speaking to him, perhaps ask him to hand you his mobile phone before you talk to him and make sure he’s very certain he needs to discuss this issue with you. Best of luck, bad boyfriend behaviour like that is completely frustrating and monumentally annoying.

If you have a relationship or dating question contact us by emailing hello@GayDatingExpert.co.uk

Published on - Tue, 21 May 2013

Open Relationship Stress

Dear GDE

I have been with my partner for nearly 8 years, for the last five we’ve had an open relationship, which I instigated as I felt things had got a little stale. My partner accepted this and apart from a few discreet affairs I’ve pretty much remained monogamous, and throughout the whole time my partner hasn’t gone elsewhere. Over the last two years my partner has become more conscious about his looks and health, has altered his diet, exercised more and is now very attractive, stunning in fact. He is now getting a lot of attention from outside the relationship, and up until a couple of months ago did nothing about it. However last month he had sex outside of our relationship with three different guys. One declared his love of him and although my partner has said no, which was a lovely feeling I now feel that having an open relationship for me is not going to work. I felt abandoned when he went for sex last month, and although he declined the declaration of love I have been left with feeling very insecure.

Over the last few years my partner has taken on most of the running costs for the home as I have just sat back in a small subsistence job (I didn’t want a career) while he’s developed his career and increased his income. So now I’m getting older I feel that if he left me I would be left with nothing and the comfortable life feels very threatened.

I don’t think I want the relationship to be open anymore, I don’t get many takers any more and feel the relationship could get into crisis if it continues.

How should I broach this subject with my partner?

Trevor T

Trevor

You need to talk to your partner about how you feel, I wouldn’t focus on the monetary side of things, I can appreciate that it may be a component in the mix, however it could be taken wrongly. Your partner has only just taken up the baton to open up his side of the relationship, perhaps he was just testing the waters and it may not be a sign of things to happen or that he is going to leave you. This has been proved when he declined the declaration of love from the other guy. Unfortunately with open relationship there is a danger that when couples go out and have sex and build an intimate relationship with another person feeling can be transferred and the main relationship is given a lower priority and could fail. Your partner probably accepted and took on the risks when you instigated the open relationship all those years ago.

Ultimately if you are not happy with the relationship being open, let your partner know, you have gone through a stressful time with this other guy trying to break you up, so this may have made him rethink the situation. However be prepared for him to want to continue having the relationship open.

If you have a relationship or dating question contact us by emailing hello@GayDatingExpert.co.uk

Published on - Tue, 21 May 2013

Never Dated a Man

Dear GDE

I’ve dated girls all of my adult life, with one experience at high school which has left me with the lasting impression that guys are really for me. I’ve been single for two years after the breakdown and resulting divorce from my ex wife. For the last couple of months I’ve been chatting with guys on gay chat rooms with guys and using those chat lines to talk, last week I bought a gay adult movie and have watched it at least a dozen times. I am now in my early forties and have no idea on how to date guys, but feel it’s what I want to do.

I have insecurities about being a good gay guy, all the magazines and articles I read on line have these muscle gym bodies, perfect styled hair and live glamorous lives in the media, fashion and design. I work as a carpenter, drive a pick up and have a simple life enjoying country activities, walking, hiking and camping. I’m not out of shape but I don’t have a six pack, I don’t want to shave my beard or body hair off. I was chatting on line with a random guy and he said bears would suit me, I googled it and I think he’s right, they look like mens men, the type of guy I’d go to the bar with after work.

So in my round about way, my two questions are how do you date a guy? do you think I would get a date?

Henry F

Henry

From what you have described I think regarding dating you could well be many guys type, especially within the bear dating scene.

As to dating a guy, it’s not dissimilar to dating a girl, coffee, drinks, meal out, conversations and a sprinkling of romance involved. Dress appropriately for the venue you are going to, but smart casual is normally the expected norm

Some gay men work in the areas you describe and dress and present themselves in that way too, however that is not representative of the whole gay male population. Being gay does not define a look or a style, as with being straight doesn’t necessarily mean you drive a Volvo, have two kids of each denomination and have a wife at home who does all the cooking and cleaning.

Get out there, explore and have fun.

Published on - Sat, 27 Apr 2013

Reality of being old and single

Dear GDE

I read with interest your article about dating life in your 40′s. I’m nearly 50 and have had relationships in the past, one lasted five or six years but for the last four years my dating life has been barren. Nobody seems to want to date me, I’m fine for sexual hook ups but when it comes to forging a relationship I can’t seem to get anywhere.

In the article it was mentioned at this age you will be established financially and in your career, for me that doesn’t ring true. I’ve made some pretty stupid financial and career mistakes in my life so I’ve got a just above minimum wage job and live in a rented home, which at the best of times I have difficulty paying all the bills all the time.

When dates see where I live and realise that I can’t afford a quick trip to Mexico or some party island somewhere my phone stops ringing and my calls go unanswered. When I was younger I didn’t really have any problem, but is everything down to what you earn and where you live?

Jim

Jim

To some people money, image and lifestyle is the most important element and this is what directs their lives, they discount the person and abandon people like they would last seasons fashions when they go out of favour. Unfortunately this is why some people go through a conveyor belt of friends and relationships. Also some guys have a greater batting average based on the size of their wallet or credit limit, but the old adage is very true you can’t buy friendship, but you can buy time with superficial people especially if you’re picking up the tab.

My best advice is to keep plugging away, perhaps change your personal dating process a little, change where you meet guys the dating websites you use. I am a firm believer that there is someone for everyone. In some cases guys keep dating or going for a particular type, and this is why things keep repeating themselves, the same things happen with the same type of person.

My recommendation for increasing dating success is to date someone who is similar to you in age, looks, lifestyle and behaviours give or take 10%, this means that there will similarities that you have in common. There is a technique called the ‘mirror man technique’ which may be worth while trying, it involves standing in front of a mirror and grading yourself in marks out of ten, one being the least and ten being the highest in the components you feel are important qualities for a potential date, and then grade yourself on them. So when you are sorting through potential dating fodder grade the potential candidate on the same score and focus on guys who fit the most closely to this criteria. You will be amazed with the results.

Published on - Sat, 27 Apr 2013

Age difference relationship

Dear GDE

I have met a really lovely guy, but he’s twenty years older than me, we have dated for the last few months, the sex is amazing and we have such a good time together. We’re always laughing and having fun etc. My friends were a little surprised at him being much older than me, but have adjusted and he’s slotted into my social life and me into his. I am beginning to have strong feels for him, and him me. My worry is I love this precise moment, but he’s sixty next month and although he’s very active at this precise moment, I have worries he will suddenly age and all his vitality will go and that make me feel sad and in honesty fills me with terror.

His friend has taken me to one side and said he’s going to ask me to move in with him. I would really like that, but know in my heart that it’s only temporary. Should I just follow the moment and go for it, knowing that this relationship has a shelf life. I really do care for him, but I am really reluctant to go through with that because it will give him the wrong idea. I am really enjoying the moment, we live in the same area so could continue to see each other and enjoy what we have in the now.

I feel so conflicted. What do you suggest.

Lawrence G

Lawrence

In a lot of age disparity relationships this is a common issue. Your worries are natural and being honest about them is important. Your partner is older - fact. Your partner will age - fact. Remember so will you. However I am not here to talk you into something you don’t want to do.

Dating an older man is very rewarding, fruitful and immensely satisfying, the common issues that are raised are the physical age issues, loss of sexual libido, health complications and general slowing down in life. These issues are not necessarily the only issues dedicated to age disparity relationships, they happen in most relationships across all age groups. However it is a fact of life, the older you get the more pronounced these issues become.

There is a popular trend for guys having older boyfriends and partners, but this is someone’s life we are talking about, not a disposable accessory. If you are a younger guy and looking to settle down for a long term permanent relationship with an older man, make sure you are aware of what you are committing to. A relationship isn’t like going to college for a degree, it’s not just for a set period of time, it’s for a lifetime. If you are committing to a guy who is much older then be aware of the commitment, if the relationship ends because the novelty of having an older partner has worn off. Remember you are leaving a person single and alone in the autumn or winter of their years. If you are having a fling with an older guy make sure he’s aware of the nature of the relationship, so he can choose to go along with it or move on.

My suggestion is speak with your partner, explain you are enjoying the romance and the moment, but don’t know what the future holds. See how he feels about the situation. Don’t make any promises you cannot keep.

Published on - Tue, 09 Apr 2013

Addicted to sex and random hook ups

Dear GDE, I’ve met a guy, we’ve been dating a few weeks, well around 4 months, we met for an initial hook up. It worked well, we became regular hook up buddies, which suited us both, however last week we had the conversation that we both wanted to see each other exclusively. Well, he had the conversation and I listened, I’m not against it, but I have a high sex drive and like to have sex with different people, variety keeps me happy. I’m not adverse to him coming off the sites and seeing me exclusively, but I want the freedom to do as I please. Should I tell him this? I do feel as though I am having feelings for him, more than just a sex partner, but I don’t think I’m the monogamous sort of person.

I’ve been on hook ups sites for quite a few years, and I never get bored of the hunt and fresh encounters. The last relationship I had was a few years ago, we were together for five years, but it fell apart as I wanted an open relationship and he didn’t, so we reached a stalemate and it ended. We still have sex when he’s not in a relationship, but that’s only happened in the last year.

Am I addicted to hook up sites and sex in general?

When I read this back I think I am an awful person. How has life come to this?

Name and Address supplied but requested to be anonymous

Firstly, thank you for being so honest. There is nothing wrong with a healthy interest in maintaining an active sex life, and so long as you a practicing safe sex with mutually agreeable people there is nothing wrong with that.

On the first point regarding the date that wants more, you need to be honest with him, he may be accepting and wanting an open relationship if you discuss the frame work for that. But if he wants something exclusive this may not be a positive sign that it would work. Be honest and up front.

Hook up sites and sex can become addictive, it’s a behaviour pattern, but as with any behaviour pattern it can be broken, you could go ‘cold turkey’ for a few days at a time to test the waters. If you feel you need more assistance with this there are therapists that deal specially with sex addiction, and it could be worth while booking a few sessions. I have emailed a list of local ones to you.

Life moves at a fast moving pace, with new technology means everyone has many choices and options at a finger tip, hook up sites are one of those phenomenons that have made getting sex easy, before you used to have to go out and socialise, now getting sex is like ordering a take-a-way, it’s become very easy to get on the conveyor belt of hook ups. Don’t beat yourself up, if you want to change you can.

Published on - Tue, 09 Apr 2013

Caught my boyfriend out!

Dear GDE

I caught my boyfriend sleeping with my best friend, I knocked off work early and though I’d surprise my boyfriend with a take-a-way and a DVD, he said he was staying in to curl up on the sofa. I didn’t know he’d be curled up on the sofa with my best friend!

They were completely in the act, I threw the take-out at him, and stormed out. My best friend just sent a text an hour later saying he’s sorry. But I can’t forgive him. I’d been with my boyfriend for nearly four weeks and he was saying that he loved me. Now my so called boyfriend is trying to get me to pay for the cleaning bill for the carpet as the take-out stained the rug, he’s not even apologised. I thought he was the one, we’d bought each other rings and everything.

Should I just forget about it and consider an open relationship?

Ken H

Ken

Move on. You’ve been together for just such a short time, if he can’t keep his trouser snake in his pants for that long then he’s not worth considering. See if you can get your money back on the ring. Don’t pay for the cleaning bill and find a better best friend.

Open relationships work for some people, but don’t just accept it without deep consideration.

Published on - Wed, 03 Apr 2013

Living with Depression

GDE would like to share this post from Keith Blakemore-Noble with his fight with depression and what stopped him following through with his planned suicide. His is a story we should all read.

Brace yourself, this is a long read. But a very worthwhile one, I believe, with some helpful tips and suggestions at the end too. So get yourself a nice big mug of hot chocolate and maybe a couple of biscuits, settle down, and have a read. And when you are done, I’d love to know what you think, please do feel free to comment!

My Story

A few days ago, namely 14^th March 2013, was my 47^th birthday. It was a pleasant enough day, if a somewhat quiet one as I was getting over a chest infection; out with some friends last night for a delayed celebration.
And yet, for several months, I honestly did not expect to live to see that birthday.
Not for any imagined terminal illness reasons or anything like that.

No, I did not think I would reach that birthday because, for the past several months, I had been planning to kill myself.

Looking back over my life so far, there have been a few occasions where I have suffered from depressive episodes. When I say depression, I don’t mean those short bouts of “I feel a bit meh, I’m fed up with life, it sucks”. They are something which we pretty much all encounter from time to time, and as unpleasant as they are, they tend to last maybe hours or a few days at the most. That’s “feeling a bit down”. By depression, I mean full clinical depression, which lasts not for hours or days, but for weeks or (more usually) months – what Winston Churchill used to refer to as visits from his Black Dog. I have had a few depressive episodes, including one where I was actually made to go to the doctor who placed me on Dothiepin for 6 months. Now, I know there are some strange views “out there” about anti-depressants. I have had people tell me that one should never take them as the pills turn one into a zombie, or they prevent one from getting better; all sorts of nonsense. In my experience of having taken them, they don’t turn one into a grinning buffoon (well, no more than normal!), nor do they make one lose control of who one is. No, all they actually do is to dull the pain of the depression ever so slightly, just taking the edge off it so that you can just about cope and almost begin to get on with life. One still feels heavily depressed, but it is just about bearable again. Thats all they do. Like taking paracetamol when one has a strong pain – the pain, the symptoms, everything is still there, its just not as excruciatingly debilitating, that’s all.

So yes, I have had a few depressive episodes, usually lasting for a few months. Once I did have medical help to get through it (and, if I am honest, that was only because I was pretty much forced to go see the doctor). Other times I have gone through it alone and emerged through the other side eventually. And sometimes, more precisely on 3 occasions, I made serious attempts at taking my own life. Yes, I attempted suicide 3 times in my life.

Each attempt failed, I have to report (I know of someone who was talking about a suicide attempt they had made, and they were genuinely asked “Did you succeed?”. Seriously! There are some scary people out there…). I’m not going to go into the gory details, as it would not serve any purpose at this point, suffice it to say they were probably pretty much the usual sort of attempts made. I also know that I was extremely lucky in at least one case not to have caused myself potentially long-term painful harm.
Were these actual attempts to kill myself, or merely cries for help? A question I have pondered many times. I honestly believe that they were genuine attempts, for a few reasons. They felt genuine at the time. I never told anyone about them, before or after, which seems to rule out cry-for-help. And in each case I remember feeling strongly and bitterly disappointed to find myself alive the next day.

At some point after my third failed attempt, I started to do some research. I realised that my attempts were either all too hard, too physically painful, or had far too high a risk of causing long-term and painful damage, which I didn’t want. And after a fair bit of research I discovered what seemed to be to be a very useful method. Again, I am not going to give any details for that serves no useful purpose here, suffice it to say that I had found a method which was relatively easy, pretty quick, painless and foolproof. It did, however, require a couple of pieces of relatively specialised equipment. Which, in a way, became a help to me over the coming years. I knew that I had a Way Out if things ever reached that stage, and I also knew that it was not something I could do without any planning – i.e. it required some premeditated preparation, which isn’t the sort of thing which would happen during just a short bad bout. Reassuring in its own way!

Over the next 10 years I either got better at fighting the Black Dog, or I got better at avoiding (perhaps hiding from!) situations which might bring me to its attention. I still had depressive periods, but nothing like as bad as they used to be, and mercifully much shorter lived.

Then I started getting into Personal Development and a whole new side if things which ultimately lead to me fixing so many things about me as well as changing careers.
One of the things I found was that as a result, even the fairly frequent yet not-too-deep-or-long depressive bouts also disappeared for several years. Which was excellent! Yes, I still had down days, but they were or the more common variety we all get, and were balanced out by good times. Normality was in danger of breaking out on this front! I did have a bit of a bout in early to mid 2012, and I was able to deal with it far better than any in the past.

That brings us to October of 2012. I am fairly sure I know what triggered it, looking back, although at the time I had no idea it was even happening. Which is helpful as it gives me something to avoid in the future, or at least forewarns me should I encounter a similar situation again, giving me a far better chance to fight it. So the Black Dog came to visit. At first I thought it was just going to be like one of the periodic not-too-deep visits I used to get, and that it would go away again after a few days or maybe a week or two.

I was wrong.

Unfortunately, one of the things about depression is that is it so insidious. It really does creep up on you stealthily, quietly. By the time you realise how bad it is, it’s too late because it has got you so badly that you can’t be bothered to fight it, you don’t see any reason or point in fighting it. It is truly nasty in that respect.

So, throughout October I got worse and worse, deeper and deeper into a full depressive episode. A very deep one, worse than I’d had for well over 10 years. Before I knew it, I was deep in its grip. I started to feel that there was no point anymore. Thoughts of suicide because a daily occurrence. I reached the stage, that hopeless stage, where to my mind there was no point in carrying on living, I had nothing to live for long-term whatsoever.
And it was in mind November that I decided it was time. Time to do something about it. So I started buying the things I would need to painlessly and flawlessly kill myself once and for all.

The decision was made. I knew where. I knew how. All that was needed was to decide when. I was going to make things as straightforward as possible for people after I’d gone, so I was going to take a few weeks to put all of my affairs into order, to document everything so that they could be dealt with easily after I’d gone.
As luck would have it, I was in rehearsals for a Pantomime which we were performing in January. No point in ruining that for everyone else (there being no understudies, and we had been working on this production already for a few months by then, so me killing myself at that stage would make it much harder for the rest of the team to continue with the show, and there was no sense in hurting them), so I resolved to hang on until after that was finished. So, end of January or later in February it was, then. Avoiding birthdays of family members (no sense in ruining their birthdays, after all).

I had the date. I had the wherewithal. All I needed to do was wait and pretend to carry on as if all was normal.
The waiting was easy – I had a way out, a definite exit, so it was fairly easy to put up with the hopelessness of life as it was not going to last forever, in a few weeks it would be over.
As for pretending all was normal? That is so easy to do – far easier than you might think. I have sometimes been told by friends in the past that I am very bad for (or, depending upon your viewpoint, very good at) deflecting and turning the conversation away from me and back to other people if there is something I don’t want people to know about me. And since I started learning all my current techniques and tools, I am even better than ever at doing that without people even realising I’m doing it. I even turned it into a bit of a sick game for my entertainment over those weeks, surreptitiously dangling a nugget and then seeing how easily I could divert attention away from me and back on to them and their situation again – it worked perfectly every time.

Christmas came, and I went back home to visit my sister, family and friends. Everyone assumed it was just another Christmas visit (and a chance to rebuild my relationship with my Father); in fact I was pretty much saying goodbye to everyone, knowing that I would never see them again.

January 2013 arrived, the panto came and went (very successfully I might add, even if I did damage my voice which has still not yet fully recovered 2 months later! But hey, what did damaging my voice matter? It’s not like I was going to need it much longer). And now it was time to put everything into place ready to kill myself in mid-late February. I had everything in place. I was actively looking forward to it – to finally putting an end to everything. After all, I had no reason to live, nothing to live for, no reason whatsoever to continue and prolong the agony and misery. Oh, how blessed that relief would be! Bring it on!

And then something totally unexpected happened. A chance email out of the blue from a friend I’d not spoken to in a while. More specifically, one single phrase in their email – they were actually reaching out and asking if I could help them with something. For some reason, that completely changed everything, completely kicked the ground from underneath me, and destroyed the Black Dog’s grip on me pretty quickly.

The depression is gone. Life has a point again. Indeed, I am now about to embark upon perhaps my biggest adventure to date; certainly it’s a massive change in my life.

And it also means that, despite what I truly believed for 3 months, I actually got to see my 47^th birthday!

Does this mean I will never be visited by the Black Dog again? I honestly can not say, as that’s not how it works. I hope I won’t, but we’ll just have to see what life brings. Certainly I am in a better position to be able to recognise him should he attempt to sneak in, and thus repel him before it is too late.

What To Do If Someone You Know Is Depressed?

So, what can you do if a friend of yours is (or you suspect them to be) depressed?

I’ll start off with the words of TV presenter, comedian, National Treasure and long-time sufferer of bi-polar disorder, Stephen Fry -

“If you know someone who’s depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the otherside. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do.”

If you have never suffered from depression yourself (and I sincerely hope that you haven’t and never do, although statistically the vast majority of us will suffer from some form of mental health disorder at some stage in our lives), then it can be hard to realise quite how debilitating it is, to understand the sheer hopelessness it brings, and to understand that normal rational logic and even emotional approaches just do not work.

What NOT To Say

This is the easiest bit.

Never ever say things like -

“Pull yourself together”.
“Cheer up! It might never happen!”
“Get a grip, just cheer up”.

If that was all it took to fight off depression, do you not think we would have worked that one out for ourselves? Saying things like those do nothing to help, they make things worse, and will simply make the person feel even more alienated from you and less likely to pay you any further attention.

No matter how tempting, no matter how much you may feel it is helping (and having been on the other side I know what you are going through), please be very careful how you respond when a depressed person says something like “I am useless” or “I am worthless” or “The world would be better off without me” or any similar thing.
The natural response is to counter those – “No you are not! I think you are useful. Think of all those people who rely upon you each week!”.

Please don’t say things like that.

Yes, you are only trying to help, and what you are saying is absolutely true. However, think of how that comes across to the depressed person. What they hear, what you are in effect saying, is this -
“You are wrong. You are so absolutely useless that you could not even get THAT right, you pathetic worthless excuse for a human being.”
Which is guaranteed not to help them!

Oh, and a heartfelt plea – avoid those saccharine-sweet “feel good” hackneyed phrases which pervade the internet these days. Yes, they serve a very valuable purpose to a great many people, and long may they continue to benefit. But take it from someone who has been there several times – they do NOT help when one is being smothered by the Black Dog! For them to work, there must be a core of the person which believes in them – they are affirmations, reinforcements of a state of mind, therein lies their immense power for those who use them.
And therein also lies their utter uselessness for the depressed person – we do not feel “beautiful” or “special” or “loved”, not even a little spark of us feels that way anymore in that state, so telling us we are using those clichés will not help – if anything it simply makes us feel worse in those circumstances, as we end up reaffirming all our negative thoughts, sending us even deeper into depression.

So What CAN I Safely Say?!

It does seem to be a bit of a minefield, doesn’t it?
It doesn’t mean, of course, that you have to agree with their negative views!
Realistically, unless one is qualified in suitable therapeutic technologies, the safest (and best) thing is to just be there, to listen, to let the depressed person talk, to encourage them to talk – the more you do so, the more you really listen, the more you might start to spot possible clues which might, just might, help. And even if not, simply being there can be a massive thing (even if we are not able to show it at the time).
And if (or more likely when) we do snap back at you uncharacteristically, please don’t take it personally – it’s not what we actually feel or think, it’s just the way our addled messed-up minds work when we are deeply depressed. Indeed, that can actually be an encouraging sign, for in order to snap one must have emotion and at least care a little bit.

The excellent Time To Talk website has some great tips to help you to talk with someone who is depressed.

Thank you

Wow, you’ve made it through this entire article! I know there is a lot in it, and it is sometimes a bit heavy. It’s just the way it had to be.

And I want to thank you for taking the time to read through it all. I truly hope that, if nothing else, it has given you an insight into what it is like for someone who is suffering from depression, and given you some tips on how you can help when that happens to friends or loved ones or even colleagues. Which statistically speaking, it will at some stage.

When it does, please remember that there is nothing to be scared of – it’s not contagious, you won’t “catch” it! Just continue to be “there” for them, for us. And if they look as though they are going to become a danger to themselves then please be prepared to suggest relevant professional help (and yes, I completely appreciate that is FAR harder to do than it sounds!!!).

And finally, please also look after yourself. It can be very emotionally draining when a loved one is going through a depressive episode, make sure you take some you-time, hang out with your other friends, for your own sanity.

Author, speaker and coach Keith Blakemore-Noble, a.k.a. The Confidence Alchemist, spent the first 4 decades of his life being incredibly shy, too scared to talk with strangers and finding it difficult to make friends and business contacts as a result. Since then he developed his own custom blend of cutting-edge sciences, tools and techniques to conquer his shyness and develop his confidence, and now he uses those same tools to help other people to conquer their shyness, smash their fears, and build the confidence they seek to help them to connect with people and live the life they want to lead.

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Published on - Mon, 25 Mar 2013

Mid Life Crisis

Dear GDE

I’m 45 this year,I’ve just come out of yet another failed relationship. I realise I have done absolutely nothing with my life, I have not even been abroad. I always wanted to explore Europe and Asia, but I’ve never had any money. My job is crap, I have ended up in retail and have no prospects of improving myself here, even my manager is nearly half my age. When I look back over the last 20 years, it’s been a series of failed relationships, when I was in my 20s I felt popular, I was handsome, trim and energetic, I went to all the parties, had a string of dates and had a wild time. I lost track of what I wanted to do with my life and while my friends were very focused on getting a career, buying a home and planning for their future, I longest thing I planned was the next weekends party. In my 30s I tried to settle down, I was in a relationship, well actually I was in seven relationships through my 30s, but just a few months of moving in together the relationship failed and I was back on the party scene.

The longest relationship I have been in is two years, and that recently ended when he had an affair with another guy and kicked me out of his house. His parting shot was to say I was a looser, who had no ambition, no future and no hope. That parting comment really hit me as being true. I am writing this from my single bedroom in a shared house, I am the oldest one in this house, I am the old man of the house the next oldest being 24. I feel so unhappy here. My life has really fallen apart and I don’t know where it will go. I’ve tried to go out and meet new guys, but nobody is interested in anyone my age, and the ones that do just need to ask where I live and what I do for them to loose interest and fade away. Any ideas what I should do?

Jason C

Jason

Time to focus on short term goals, you cannot change your past but you can change your future. Start with small achievable tasks, building slowly up to bigger and more fulfilling goals. It’s easy to fall flat when an relationship ends.

Get a pad and set yourself a small task to achieve each day. For example, get recognition at work for good work, do extra task, jobs and extend yourself beyond the normal remit of your role, get yourself recognised so when the next promotion come up you have made a good impression to make getting that better paid job a little easier. The same with your home life, perhaps look for a better place to live, perhaps if financial constraints are restricting you to affording living on your own, I am sure there are shared houses where you would feel a better fit.

By constantly setting yourself achievable tasks you will be able to build up to bigger, even more fulfilling goals, with perhaps European or Asian travels in the future to attain.

I would suggest putting dating on hold for a while, invest time in reconnecting with family and friends.

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Published on - Sun, 03 Mar 2013

When it's over?

Dear GDE

I’d been seeing a guy for a few months, I’m doing all the running, phoning, calling, arranging dates and so on. He’s a nice guy and we’d always have fun when we met up. I spoke to him about me doing all the chasing and he admitted he was a bit useless at arranging things. So I said I’d leave the next few dates and arrangements to him. After two months of not hearing from him I decided to write him off and re-launched my dating profile and started dating a really great guy who has bowled me over with …. well everything.

Last night we were out at the movies and I bumped into the previous guy, he was on his own. I went over and said hello and was greeted with a mouthful of aggression, he claimed he thought we were still in a relationship and he was going to call me this week to arrange a date. The last time we spoke was nearly four months ago, surely after all this time and him not calling I could assume that the relationship/dating friendship is over?

Have I actually done anything wrong?

Todd W

Todd

Have you done anything wrong? You left the ball in this guys court to call you and arrange a date, I don’t feel you have done anything intrinsically wrong. Perhaps if you had let him know you had decided to meet other people at the two month mark of not hearing anything from him would have been a good thing to do. But also in fairness after four months of no contact, the writing was on the wall, and if he was expecting you to be hanging around after that length of time I would say he was being unrealistic.

Chalk it up to experience, enjoy your new squeeze and I hope things work out well for you both.

Also read our columns on the internationally read DatingAdvice.com

Published on - Sun, 03 Mar 2013

Best friend ultimatum

Dear GDE

I have a friend, I would say he’s my best friend as we have known each other years. He’s great fun and very outrageous, sometimes a little too close to the bone with some comments, but overall we do get on famously. We regularly go on holiday together, and for a while we were room mates until he got into a relationship and moved in with the chap. He’s now single and after a brief stay on my sofa he’s got his own place. I’ve always been known as a bit of a spinster, never really having a boyfriend, however I’ve met this really lovely guy, we’ve hit it off on every level. I’ve been seeing him for nearly 9 months, but I only told my friends last month and started to introduce him to my friends and family.

When the time came to introduce my boyfriend to my best friend what I thought would be a friendly evening turned into a the equivalent to a wet fart. It turns out that my boyfriend and best friend had been on one date, but my boyfriend didn’t think the chemistry was right so didn’t pursue things. They both assure me that they didn’t sleep together and it was just a meeting for beer, After the initial frostiness and stilted conversations my friend made excuses and left.

The following day I received an email from my friend, he said that while I am going out with my boyfriend he can’t see me. I feel devastated, I don’t want to choose. What should I do? There is no way I am end a relationship that is working so well.

Rex D

Rex

You shouldn’t have to choose, and it is very unfair that your best friends is putting demands on you like this. It’s not as though you are dating someone who bullied him, robbed him or did anything bad to him. They had a date, it didn’t work out, this happens all the time, all over the world.

It sound as though you’ve already made the decision. Good for you for be clear that you aren’t going to end the relationship.

What to do? Arrange to meet up with your best friend to talk to him face to face. Be calm and collected, and explain how you feel about your boyfriend and that how you feel about his demands aren’t fair or realistic. It may take him some time to come around to the idea. It could be that he’s feeling mixed emotions partly because he had an abortive date with your boyfriend and partially that he’s not used to you having a boyfriend and that the dynamic of the friendship will change.

Also read our columns on the internationally read DatingAdvice.com

Published on - Sun, 03 Mar 2013

Is Monogamy a Myth

Dear GDE

Is monogamy a myth? I would love to be in a relationship with someone who only wants to be with me, and we are committed to each other and not go off seeking sexual encounters anywhere else. Is this at all possible? I want what my parents had, they married when they were 21 and have been together ever since, and both say they’re very happy.

Daffid H

Daffid

It’s not a myth, and it is possible! Open relationships work for a lot of couples, and not for others. I personally couldn’t be in an open relationship, for me it would not work out, but that’s just me.

The key thing to find someone who wants the same thing as you. Straight relationships aren’t a bed of roses, but open relationships aren’t discussed as freely as they are in the gay world. Married couples can, and do have affairs, but they are not necessarily broadcast to all and sundry.

There is a lot of social commentators that insist open relationships are the way forward, and it shouldn’t affect relationships, however I would say it’s all down the individuals who are in the couple on how it works. In many cases that I have known, couples that have opened up the relationships after being monogamous have dealt with a great deal of stress, some have levelled out and got into the swing of the new dynamic and others have broken up as a result of not being able to deal with the jealousy and insecurity.

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Published on - Mon, 11 Feb 2013

Feeling lost in the minefield of dating

Dear GDE

I’m on a variety of dating and hook up websites, I get contacted a fair bit, but it’s always from the same type of guy, and they all seem to be on the same sites. Where can I start to meet new people? Have I exhausted all possibilities? I’ve been single for nearly ten years, I meet guys, have sex a fair bit, but it never really sparks any interest to go any further. I have a nice home, a good job, a good circle of friends and an active social life. I wouldn’t say I was unhappy, but I seem to be stuck in a holding pattern of dating and it not progressing any further than a few weeks or a a couple of months before things fizzle out.

Most of the time I become mates with the date, am I not a relationship orientated person? I have moments where I see couples organising holidays, having romantic meals together etc, and I feel I should be doing that.

Any ideas what I should do?

Peter J

Peter

I would suggest come away from dating for a while, give yourself a breathing space, perhaps three to six months, invest in friendships, delete or suspend your dating profiles for this period. Start to go to different places in real life and engage on a human level with people rather than on a virtual internet basis, there may well be people out there who don’t subscribe to these sites and live life away from the computer.

It’s easy to get disillusioned when you feel you’re repeating the same thing over and over again. You sound like a level headed guy, with a full and active social life. There is no rule book that says you have to be in a relationship, if you are content the way you are then the old phrase comes to mind ‘if it’s not broken, why fix it?’

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Published on - Mon, 11 Feb 2013

My Boyfriend hits me!

Dear GDE

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, over the last few months he’s been going through some issues with family and work and when I’ve tried to offer help he shouts at me and on some occasions hits me. At first he used to just push me away, however last month he really went for me and gave me a black eye. I explained that I’d walked in a door at work and with friends, then last week he flew off the handle when I’d burned dinner, admittedly I was on the phone, and he picked up a knife and started waving it at me, I backed off, slipped and broke my arm. He was deeply apologetic,and drove me to the emergency room for treatment. I’m now writing this from my ipad on my friends sofa, I got home from work and couldn’t get all the groceries and he flew off the handle at me, he pushed me up against the hall wall and I ran out of the house. I really care for him, should I work through these issues with him? I know deep down he’s a really nice guy, things have just got on top of him.

Nate V

Nate

End it! go with a friend(s) collect anything that belongs to you and walk away, if comes begging for forgiveness don’t get pulled into the emotional drama, change your numbers, block his email. There is no excuse for physical abuse, and that’s what you have have been drawn into. I have parred down the list of abuse you have been inflicted to for this letter. This behaviour is not acceptable, and if you go back you will be inflicted to more of the same.

Also read our columns on the internationally read DatingAdvice.com

Published on - Mon, 11 Feb 2013

Sleeping with Boss's husband

Dear GDE

It all started with innocent flirting. My managers husband came to a family day, he’s cute as can be, and I thought it was a harmless fun flirting with a straight guy. However he flirted back, and well we had a sneaky kiss at the end of the night. This led on to some text flirting, then exchanging pictures, then ultimately a rendezvous in a motel room. I am a single guy but now this has been going on for 3 months, my boss has confided in me that she thinks he’s having an affair, but also I know she’s been having a fling with another guy in another department at work. I’m starting to have feelings for him, and want more. He’s said categorically that he’s not 100% gay, enjoys spending time with me but doesn’t want to leave his wife, and definitely doesn’t want to live in a gay relationship. Do I tell him his wife is having an affair to force the issue?

Name with held.

No, absolutely not! Step away from the situation, for your own well being and sanity. You want what you cannot have, he’s said he doesn’t want to leave his wife and set up a life with you, so what if his wife and your manager is having an affair. Do you really want to set up home with someone who will be unfaithful? I can appreciate sometimes it’s so difficult to step away from a situation like this, but if you don’t this could get very messy and have a whole heap of trouble being dumped on you.

Also read our columns on the internationally read DatingAdvice.com

Published on - Mon, 14 Jan 2013

Bored with the Bear Scene

Dear GDE

I have been in the bear scene for many years now, I felt as though I fitted in with it really well, I am quite hairy, wear a beard nicely and like the casual clothing and masculine look. I used to go to all the bear events in my area, even travelling many miles for the big event.

I’ve had nice beary boyfriends however it just feels like a conveyor belt, following a routine, it’s all becoming very same old - same old. I’m bored with it all, the bear scene seems to have become a production line, and what was welcoming and friendly is becoming really bitchy and back stabbing. You’re either too big, too small, not hairy enough, beard is to thin, too many tattoos, not enough tattoos. There seems to be a huge playground feel to it, with the in gang and the outsiders who are made to feel like outsiders.

At the start of this year I found myself falling into the bitchy bear trap (strange how they don’t have that on the bear code system), I had one of those moments where I saw and heard what I was saying and doing and really didn’t like myself. My boyfriend of the time was mirroring me, or me mirroring him, we continued with our relationship for a few more months, but drifted apart, he got sucked back into the conveyor belt of bear dating and got a similar identi-kit beary boyfriend.

I am still friends with my ex, and happy for him. However my disenchantment with the bear scene has continued and strengthened over the year, and slowly I have moved away from the events and pursued other interests, I’ve fallen in to a new social group who are so varied in their opinions and outlooks, it’s so refreshing and interesting.

I appreciate this is a long winded way around things but I’ve met a guy, he likes the bear look, and he’s interested in the bear scene but was one of the outsiders when he’s tried it before. He knows I was well known in the scene as he’d seen my pictures on various bear magazines, internet sites and bear event summaries. I’m hesitant in doing so, firstly as I’ve been there done that and become disenchanted with the whole scene and secondly I’m worried that he’ll get sucked into the conveyor belt never to be seen again. Do I take him to an event?

David B

David

You’ve done the whole scene thing and become disenchanted with it, that is clear, however if the boyfriend you have wants to go to an event doesn’t mean that he’s going to follow your path, he may just want to have the experience and enjoy the scenery. We can’t control boyfriends or relationships, you can’t have them locked up at home where you are sure they’ll not leave you. If a relationship is to work both people have to have personal choices, if they are going to be unfaithful or move to another relationship they can do this by going to a supermarket or in the workplace. By taking him to a bear event will be a shared experience he will have with you, just because you got sucked into what you called the ‘conveyor belt’ doesn’t necessarily mean that he will as well.

Ultimately going to a bear event isn’t like a wife swapping party. Explain your concerns to him, but I would suggest going to an event, so his curiosity is quenched. If you are being used by him just to get introductions to the inner circle to the bear scene, it’ll become clear very quickly, and it’s best to know now rather than invest any more time in the relationship.

Also read our columns on the internationally read DatingAdvice.com

Published on - Mon, 14 Jan 2013

Gay, middle aged and never had sex.

Dear GDE

I’m 48 years old, okay looking but I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’ve been out with guys but have never had sex before. I want to be certain it’s the right guy, I have friends who’ll sleep with someone before they even know their name, I don’t want to be a notch in a bedpost.

I’ve been seeing this guy for nearly four months, I felt a real connection with him and was planning on offering him a sleep over, when I eventually plucked up the courage to ask him if he wanted to stay over he was surprised, he thought it was just a friendship. We’d met on a dating website and I thought my profile was pretty clear on what I was looking for. I was quite flustered and lost my temper saying I’d invested so much emotion in him and felt he was the one. He backed away initially then he snapped and said he thought I was a good prospect but after a few dates and his advances were knocked back he’s recently started seeing someone else! I feel devastated

We’ve met up once or twice a week, normally having a coffee or a burger one time and a weekly night out to the movies, I thought these were dates. We exchanged goodnight kisses or a a hug at the end of each date, have I read the signals completely wrong? Am I setting my virgin status on a pedestal for it to collect dust?

Craig H

Craig

The road to relationships is never an easy one. It may be worth while talking an discussing with any potential date about your relationship history and sexual inexperience. It is quite rare to find someone holding onto their virginity for that long, however I am not here to judge, we are all entitled to our own belief system and values. In your correspondence you mention that you laid out what you were looking for in your on line profile however did you actually discuss this in person with your date? Talking through your thoughts with him would have ben beneficial, if he was reading your actions he possibly thought he had a movie buddy.

The first real forays in an adult relationships can be very challenging, there is no easy way around it, no magic wand to wave around, so open and honest communication is vital, talk about your plan of action and see if your outlook matches with your date. In some cases it may match perfectly, in others not so much. However allowing conversations to stay silent in the hope that they understand your actions can only cause misread signals. In fairness if I had met a chap in a dating set up and I’d not had any emotional or physical connection after between three or four dates I would think it was just a friendship, which is what sounds as though has happened here.

Also read our columns on the internationally read DatingAdvice.com

Published on - Mon, 14 Jan 2013

He's asked me to marry him

Dear GDE

I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years, it’s been fun, we’ve lived together for the last ten months. I rented out my apartment and moved into his house, it does seem like our home. We rub along nicely together, however I think he cares for me more than I do him. Last week he proposed to me. This rocked me to the core, I didn’t foresee this as a long term relationship, and it made me re-consider the whole relationship. I can’t honestly say I can see us being together for the rest of my life. The years have flown by, I don’t want anyone else, but I’m not sure I want to commit to being with him for my lifetime.

I told him I’d think about it and now he’s pestering me for a decision, I’m not sure I want to break up with him, but I am sure I don’t want to marry him. The tenants in my flat are leaving in two months time, should I just agree to marrying him and then break up with when my tenants move out?

Name withheld.

Absolutely not, this is a dreadful thing to do.

You say you don’t want to break up with him and because he’s asked you to marry him you plan to lie to him and make him think one thing only to have a premeditated break up time. Admittedly I can see you want to have an exit strategy if things don’t go the way you want. Relationships are all about communication, you’ve been together for four years so have a conversation, you know each others history. Explain you’re not ready for marriage, and talk through what you are thinking. It may mean the end of the relationship, however it may well take you both to a deeper level of understanding each other and formulating joint goals.

Be honest and honourable, treat him how you would like to be treated.

Also read our columns on the internationally read DatingAdvice.com

Published on - Mon, 17 Dec 2012

I can't become the guy I want to be with

Dear GDE

I completely adore the bear look, the masculinity, facial hair, body hair, and the whole look, it does it all for me. I go to bear events, have lots of beary friends but I feel on the outside. I have very little body hair and although I can grow a beard it looks scraggy and patchy, I have a thick moustache that I wear most of the time and trim the beard to stubble, which does look okay. I tried to get a bit of weight behind me, drinking protein shakes to bulk out, however I can’t get the stocky look. I’m in the gym lifting weights but cardio is my thing, my body is defined (even the subtle show of a six pack) and does attract male attention but not from the guys that do it for me. On the bear register I would be an ‘otter’.

I’ve gone so far to investigate having chest implants and there is a procedure to thicken my facial hair but it’s expensive and the money I’ve saved is for a downpayment to buy a house, so I am reluctant to spend the money on something so trivial as unnecessary plastic surgery.

Is it better to accept who I am and compromise the beary look and compromise on a boyfriend and how he looks?

Danny H

Danny

Plastic surgery is a big step and comes with a pile of risks and an expensive price tag, I think it is sensible to hold fire on that choice. Continue with the gym work and look at getting a personal trainer to work through your regime to achieve the body shape you desire.

You last comment about compromising on a boyfriend and how he looks worries me somewhat, a relationship is built on more than just looks, yes it’s a component however it’s what the person is like as an individual rather than just on how he presents himself, a long lasting relationship cannot last if it just hangs on what he looks like. What would you do if your ideal man shaved off his beard and lost his weight, would you dump him as he didn’t fit with your ideal?

Moving away from that comment, focus on meeting guys in the bear scene, not all guys go for the same aesthetic so you may meet and start a relationship with your dream bear, however also look to date guys out of that ideal, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Also read our columns on the internationally read DatingAdvice.com

Published on - Mon, 17 Dec 2012

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